It is a scientific fact that every 3.2 seconds, some woman, somewhere, is lying about something.* I know this sounds like a line lifted from the personal journal of some whiny man child who dots his “i’s” with teardrops, but as a typical female with no identifying personality traits of my own, I can confirm its truth.
It’s not that we as a breed are intentionally dishonest. It’s that we justify our bad behavior by “tweaking” the truth to align with our personal agendas. But as dejected as the male population may feel after a metaphoric kick in the nuts by some gal, too entangled in her own mental incapacities to be honest, women are generally the victims of their own self-imposed tall tales.
So with that I bring you “The Top Five Most Common Lies Women Tell Themselves,” as told by me – a woman who has told herself each of these at least twice in the last week.
- I am fat
This is not always a lie. In my case it never is. However, it is not anatomically possible that I am fatter today than I was yesterday. It is also equally unlikely that the stranger sitting in traffic next to me is snickering to his grandfather, napping in the passenger’s seat, that I should not be taking a sip of my water because even that has too many calories for someone as fat as me. Most of the time, people really don’t care about how fat we are. We tell ourselves they do to justify all the bad things we think about ourselves. All women do this.
- I am thin
This is not always a lie. In my case it always is. As addressed in previous entries, I am in the process of losing weight. This means my weight is constantly fluctuating depending on the day, time, and whether or not I’ve taken a dump. Every so often during this process, I get on the scale and see a weight so much lower than what I am used to, that I, with the common sense of a heroin addict, justify eating an entire container of Ben and Jerry’s Red Velvet Cake Ice Cream as a reward for my weight loss. Is there any logic in this behavior? Do I even need to answer this rhetorical question?
I am not the only woman who does this. Recent Facebook status postings by acquaintances I haven’t spoken to since 1996, tell me that summer is indeed the time for “big girls” to flaunt their “curves,” and the general public is not having it. Said Facebook posting referred to a sighting of some hefty woman and her affinity to bikinis. During a recent, much avoided trip to Wal-Mart, I witnessed a similar sighting of a 300 pound lady wearing booty shorts and a pastel camisole so transluscent you could read the horoscope spelled out in her stretch marks.
I cannot be sure that this frequent occurrence of heavy women in small clothing is an issue of women thinking they are thin when they are not, but I do know that is the impression that it gives. There is nothing wrong with being confident, but dressing for your body type is important at any size. Let’s be real. Ass cleavage is obnoxious whether you are 120 pounds or 320 pounds. There is just more of it when you are the latter.
- He likes me/He doesn’t like me
I am saying this more in reference to women 30 or younger who still think it is cute to dirty talk in baby voice and ask their boyfriends if they are pretty mid penetration. Both of these lies are utilized most often by women who over analyze EVERY.SINGLE.THING.A.MAN.DOES.
-For two hours he was texting me back in ten minute intervals, and now it’s been 16 minutes. Who’s giving him a blow job?
-We normally talk on the phone every night for 30 minutes, but tonight he hung up after 10. Is he breaking up with me?
-He said he needed space, but I think he’s just insecure about my feelings for him. Maybe I should show up at his place with fresh-baked cookies and a hand-written poem.
These are just some of the crazy, delusional thoughts every woman has at some point in her life and unfortunately I am not immune. Since moving to Tennessee four weeks ago, I have made acquaintance with five different gentlemen with whom I have varying levels of romantic interest. One has become a good friend, one has an unhealthy power over my ability to think logically, one is someone I do not care if I ever see again, one makes me very happy, and one is so sweet I want to off myself. Experiences with these men have insighted so many irrational thoughts, I am half inclined to strip myself of the feminist label I have had since I was 6 and deem that “I was asking for it” every time a guy prematurely loses interest in me.
- It’s not too soon in a relationship to have sex
If you have to tell yourself this, you know it is a lie. But women use it to justify their libido and avoid feeling like a whore. Because in American society, women aren’t really allowed to be horny without planning a wedding and picking out baby names first. So this lie can unfortunately lead to the previous, as it can result in a woman convincing herself that a relationship is more serious than it is and therefore projecting her neurotic insecurities onto a person who just wanted to have sex with someone other than himself. I blame God, HBO, and Obama. Because blaming Bush is too obvious a pun.
- I can afford this
Let’s be honest, women are pretty amazing. We can indicate romantic interest with a well-executed hair flip, convey our loathing for you with mono-syllabic words like “fine”, and afford anything we want, regardless of our income. Want to know how? Women are masters of prioritization.
I spent the month of July unemployed. But that didn’t stop me from spending $24 on Panera Bread smoothies last week. Even as I wear my last pair of 2 week contacts for the 6th week in a row because of the excuse that I “can’t afford more,” I drink a $4 Java Mint Mocha. Why? Because I really don’t care about the health of my corneas as much as I want to indulge in a frozen beverage in a brand new pair of leopard print flats. It’s not endearing and it’s not cute, but as a 23 year old woman who can’t balance her checkbook, it is a reality.
Now it’s your turn. What lies do you tell yourself every day, to justify your own bad behavior? Comment, email, and share it. Or just say that you will.
The girl who prefers the word “fib”
*Please note, this is not an actual statistic but rather a fabricated number created to add authority and decimal related humor to an otherwise yawn worthy blog entry. Thank you for even reading this far.