Category Archives: Life lessons

Taking a Bath With Kim Kardashian and Choking on a Tomato(e)

Last week I had a brief encounter with death.  I was standing at my kitchen counter slicing a recently purchased farmer’s market tomato. The kind that is shaped like the skull of a malnourished orphan and weighs more than an … Continue reading

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How Ryan Gosling and Lifehouse Songs Have Ruined My Life

WARNING: This blog contains serious bitterness regarding love. If you are recently betrothed or awaiting a wedding day, I advise you go back to doodling “Mrs. ______” on your notebook, before you go f*** yourself. At some point in every … Continue reading

Posted in All about men, Distorted views on love, Life lessons | Tagged , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Three Self Realizations of My 30 Minute Lunch Break

After  four weeks of eating a diet of freezer pops and Panera Bread smoothies, sleeping  until noon, and watching marathons of “Ice Loves Coco” I have finally found employment. Don’t ask me how or why any intelligent businessman would think … Continue reading

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Reason #17 I am 23 going on 90: Peeing When I Sneeze – A dramatization

Who: Me, starring as a carefree party animal of today and classy professional woman of tomorrow Where: Hip/young apartment complex in middle Tennessee When: Standing still, if only for a moment while I live my young life to the fullest … Continue reading

Posted in Life lessons, Literary Works of Unparallelled Greatness | Tagged , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Top Five Most Common Lies Women Tell Themselves, as told by Me – A Woman

It is a scientific fact that every 3.2 seconds, some woman, somewhere, is lying about something.* I know this sounds like a line lifted from the personal journal of some whiny man child who dots his “i’s” with teardrops, but … Continue reading

Posted in Fat Fatties talking about Fat, Life lessons | Tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

“Oh no, that’s not Syphilis! That’s just my Twitter acting up again!”

I acknowledge my Twitter account about as often as I intentionally throw myself down a flight of stairs. It’s like having a hicky above your eyebrow or a non-athletic son.  I’m just embarrassed to have it and I question its … Continue reading

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The “alone on my birthday” blog: 22 Underrated “Accomplishments” achieved while 22

Tomorrow is my birthday, and it has been looming over me for the last three weeks, like an oncoming herpes break out. I am depressed, bloated, and seriously constipated with thoughts of suicide. Not really. I just wanted to use … Continue reading

Posted in Life lessons, Tennessee | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments